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Redefining Success

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How Well Do You Love?

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Forgiveness

Exploring Forgiveness
Often people ask me, “What is the biggest issue you encounter in the counseling office?” Without hesitation I am able to say the need to accept or extend forgiveness. In almost every situation I encounter, forgiveness is a big part of the growth and healing process. Maybe it is a spouse who is unwilling to extend forgiveness. A child who is angry at her parents divorce, or an individual bitter at a business partners shoddy practices. Whatever the situation, forgiveness is almost always a big part of the healing process.
Life would be much easier if we did not have to accept or extend forgiveness, but the reality is forgiveness must be extended and accepted for relationships to flourish as God intended. Whether it is a simple, “I’m sorry” or a complex process that requires time and serious contemplation, forgiveness must be extended and accepted. It is not easy, in fact, forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply could be the most difficult thing you ever have to do, but it is essential! Matthew 18:21-22 reminds us of our need to extend forgiveness:

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times (or seventy times seven).”
There are a plethora of reasons why people balk at the idea of forgiveness, but forgiveness is deathly important in God’s eye’s. If you don’t think so check out Matthew 6:14-15…
“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
If that is not serious I don’t know what is! Therefore, over the next several weeks I am going to explore the subject of forgiveness. I am going to write about such topics as:
-What is Forgiveness; What is not Forgiveness?
- The Importance of Forgiveness
- How you can Forgive those who have hurt you the most
- Forgiving Yourself
I hope that you will find these upcoming posts helpful for your life as you daily get the opportunity to both accept and extend forgiveness.



WHAT IS FORGIVENESS; WHAT IS NOT FORGIVENESS?
Matthew 18:21-35 is a key passage when seeking an understanding of forgiveness. It is in this passage, often termed “The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant” where we learn so much about Biblical Forgiveness. The passage details a king who desires to settle his accounts. The king goes to one man who owes him millions of dollars. When the man is unable to pay the debt the king responds by having pity on him and canceling the debt. It is in this story that Jesus teaches us so much about forgiveness.
Timothy Lane, author of the booklet Forgiving Others- Joining Wisdom and Love, defines forgiveness this way. “Forgiveness is an act of compassion; love expressed when you are sinned against.” He goes on to include five characteristics of Biblical forgiveness which flow from Matthew 18:21-35.
1. Forgiveness Cancels a Debt.
It is important to note the word cancels. Notice it does not say that forgiveness ignores a debt. Many people understand forgiveness to mean that you must ignore or forget that an offense was ever done to you. Biblical forgiveness never speaks of forgiveness in these terms. Someone must always “pay” for the offense. Either the person who offended you must seek to repay the offense, or you, the offended, must extend forgiveness and absorb the pain and suffering caused by the offense.
It is important to think back to your own salvation experience. Each of us is indebted, because of our sin, to God. We are all sinners and in need of forgiveness. God, through Jesus Christ, modeled forgiveness to you when He sent His only Son to pay your debt for you. When you accepted the forgiveness of your sins through Jesus Christ your sin debt was cancelled. It was not forgotten or ignored. Someone… Jesus Christ… paid your debt. We must do the same when we are sinned against. We do not ignore the sin; rather we bear the pain of the sin ourselves. This is forgiveness.
Timothy Lane gives an excellent illustration of this point. He writes: “Suppose you borrow my wheelbarrow. When you return it, the wheel is flat. I can make you pay for the repair or I can pay for it myself. Either way, someone has to absorb the cost. We cannot pretend that the wheelbarrow is not broken. We can’t minimize its brokenness. If I choose to pay for it myself, I have “forgiven” you your debt; it is cancelled. The person who forgives no longer expects to be repaid for what he has suffered.”
2. Forgiveness is a Three-Fold Promise
Understanding forgiveness as canceling a debt someone owes you requires you to make a three-fold promise.
1. “I will not bring up this offense again or use it against you.” The last statement of this phrase is essential… “use it against you.” You cannot cancel a debt and then hold it against someone. Those are opposite actions. One action says you no longer owe me for the debt you incurred, while the other action is saying you still owe me! Only when reconciliation is at issue should the forgiver bring up the offense.
2. “I will not bring it up to others in gossip, or malign you because of it.”
3. “I will not bring it up to myself and dwell on this offense.”
Admittedly, what is required of you, the forgiver, is difficult. In fact, it may seem impossible, however, it is essential and it is certainly attainable through Christ (Ephesians 3:20). It is also important to remember that when you fail to forgive you are really only hurting yourself and your relationship with God. It feels as though in some way you are enacting justice on the person who has hurt you, but really you are only remaining in a state of anger and bitterness which continually causes you to dwell on the offense. There is true joy and peace at the end of forgiveness. You do not have to hold on to the offense. It is not your place to enact justice on the one who has offended you. Forgive and experience the joy and peace which is found when true forgiveness is extended.
3. Forgiveness is an Event and a Process
This is an important point to remember. We are not super-humans. Forgiveness is certainly an event. You choose at a specific time and place to say, “I forgive you.” However, there will be times when the hurt, pain and anger invade as an unwelcome guest. Seemingly out of nowhere, your mind will turn to the offense and it will be all you can do to clear your thoughts from the hurt and anger. It is at this time that you must remember the three-fold promise you made when you first chose to forgive. Over time, as you continue to defeat Satan, the pain and hurt of the offense will lessen and the events will enter your mind less and less until you can no longer recall them.
4. Forgiveness is not Forgetting
We have already touched on this point. This is probably the most misunderstood point about forgiveness. Again, let me turn to the words of Timothy Lane: “Many people cite Jeremiah 31:34 and conclude that since God forgets my sins when he forgives me, I must forget the sins that others have committed against me. Jeremiah 31:34 says, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” But the omniscient God does not have amnesia when it comes to our sins. The word “remember” in this passage does not refer to memory, but to covenant. A covenant is a promise. When God forgives our sins, he does not forget them. Rather, he makes a promise not to treat you as your sins deserve. He chooses to absorb the cost himself in the persona and work of our Redeemer, Jesus Christ.”
5. Forgiveness is not Peace at All Costs
The Bible calls us to hold each other to high standards (Matthew 18:15-19). We are not to become a doormat. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. While we are commanded to forgive, it may be unwise for us to welcome certain people back into our lives. While you must forgive a husband who abuses you, or a wife who cannot control her alcohol consumption, inviting them back into your home and your life is different than forgiving them.
Hopefully, you have found this to be informative and challenging. Forgiveness is not easy, but it is essential. As I close remember Matthew 6:14-15…
“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Check back next week as I will look into the subject of the Importance of Forgiveness.
If you are interested in learning more about Forgiveness I encourage you to check out the book by Timothy S. Lane. Forgiving Others Joining Wisdom and Love. You can order it by clicking here.


THE IMPORTANCE OF FORGIVENESS
It has been mentioned in previous articles that forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply is difficult, and while that is true, the importance of forgiveness is vast. Satan does a masterful job of twisting the importance of forgiveness in ones mind. Often, the one who has been hurt and needs to extend forgiveness has a difficult time coming to terms with the need to forgive. Hurt and pain have a way of making the person feel as if forgiving the one who offended them is a sign of weakness and surrender. As a result, often forgiveness is not extended. The result of this has enormous consequences for the person in need of extending forgiveness. The failure to forgive extends into all areas of a persons life- spiritual, emotional, and physical. In this article we will examine the importance of forgiveness in each of these areas.
No aspect of ones life is more greatly affected by un-forgiveness than ones spiritual life. Scripture teaches us that the failure to forgive someone can have eternal impact. Matthew 6:14-15 states “If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” This is a strong statement that provides much insight into the importance God places on forgiveness. This verse teaches that we must have our horizontal (person to person) relationships right before our vertical relationship (God to man) can be. All of us have experienced the effects of what un-forgiveness does to our walk with the Lord. Failure to extend forgiveness leads us down a path of stagnation. No longer do we desire to commune with God. We feel shame and guilt and Satan does his best work during these seasons of life. If an unforgiving heart goes unchecked there will be an endless supply of anger, hostility and bitterness. These emotions do not correlate with a vibrant, intimate relationship with God. Simply put, failure to forgive someone has enormous implications in relation to our walk with God. If you fail to extend forgiveness it is not the one who offended you who suffers, but rather you are continuing to let the offender win by refusing to forgive as God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32).
Just as our Spiritual life suffers when we fail to extend forgiveness our emotions take a hit as well. This is why Ephesians 4:31-32 states “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Have you ever considered the effects un-forgiveness has on your emotions? It is as if the failure to extend forgiveness, while you want it to negatively affect the one who offended you, only causes you greater turmoil. This has been proven scientifically. Studies have shown that failure to forgive leads to anger, hate, revenge, misguided justice, depression and anxiety. While I am not a rocket scientist I do not believe anyone desires to experience these emotions, but recent scientific research on forgiveness clearly shows that a failure to forgive leads to these emotions and disorders.1 However, long before scientist and psychologist caught on to the fact that un-forgiveness plays a part in ones mental health Scripture taught us this. Ephesians 4:31-32 clearly draws a link between un-forgiveness and bitterness rage, anger, brawling, slander, and every other form of malice. Again, it is clear, if you want to experience emotional health, you must be willing to extend forgiveness when someone sins against you.
Just as there are definite spiritual and emotional consequences to un-forgiveness there also exists a physical consequence. While forgiveness research is only an emerging field of scientific study, there have been several studies which detail the positive effects forgiveness has on ones physical makeup. Studies have concluded that forgiveness has a correlation with reducing heart disease, as well as other physical ailments.2, 3 You may have never thought about it in these terms, but what this research proves is that your unwillingness to extend forgiveness could very well lead to an early death!
As you can see, forgiveness plays a vital role in your overall health. Choosing to forgive someone is not simply a small choice that has little ripple effect. The choice to forgive someone is of enormous importance. Its effects extend across your life- from your spiritual condition to potentially determining the number of years you live. Forgiveness must not be taken lightly.

Forgiving those who hurt you the most
How? Without a doubt this is the first question people ask me when I speak of the need to forgive. Put yourself in the shoes of someone who has just discovered the illicit affair their spouse has been hiding for months. Think about the difficulty of having to forgive a father who abused and mistreated you while he drank himself into oblivion. Or what about a husband who has been battling a pornography addiction; he can’t seem to stay away from pictures of nude women, yet you are to extend forgiveness towards him? The thought of forgiving these types of offenses seems blasphemous, and in many circles they are treated as such, yet you, as a believer, can not be caught in Satan’s lie that this is the best way to handle a wrong done towards you. Harboring an attitude of anger, bitterness and hatred- the characteristics which make up an unforgiving heart is no way to live your life. Yet, the question still remains- How? Certainly time helps, but I believe there are four actions you can take which will help you forgive the one who has hurt you the most.
Pray
I can hear many of you saying…great he is going to give us church answers! Well, yes I am, but not because they are church answers, but because they work. The first thing you must do when seeking to forgive a person who has hurt you deeply is to pray. You may be saying “I can’t, I am so angry at her that I could not possibly pray and ask God to help me forgive this person.” That may very well be true, and if it is, don’t start by praying specifically for the person, rather start by asking God to help you control your anger. It may be too much for you to begin by praying for the person, but you can and must start somewhere. Maybe it is by directly praying for the offender, or maybe it is simply asking God to help you control your anger. You must start with prayer however.
Check out Hebrews 4:14-16. “Since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” If this verse does not encourage you, you may want to check your pulse! What an awesome reminder of the God we serve. We can approach the “throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” We must start with prayer, and this verse reminds us that we can start with prayer!
Reflect on God’s Forgiveness towards You
It may be true that your sin is “not as bad as the one who has hurt you”; however it is still sin and God’s forgiveness extended to you not because your sin is less significant, but because your sin is sin. God forgives and saves all sinners, no matter how bad we think their sin is. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” Check out that list. It is a pretty impressive list of some of the most sinful acts we can think of. Surely prostitutes and drunkards have no chance of entering heaven? Think again! God’s forgiveness extends to all people. Again check out verse eleven. “And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” If God desires to forgive the most offensive people we know, should you not also work towards forgiveness and eventually extend forgiveness? It is not right to accept God’s forgiveness and then fail to extend forgiveness.
Seek Wise Counsel
The words in this article are not easy to obey. They may even seem harsh and cruel. How could a counselor-someone who is suppose to be loving and compassionate- be speaking such harsh words to the one who is in pain, the one who is suffering? That is a valid question, and it deserves an honest response. Any counselor who fails to lead his client towards forgiveness, in my estimation, is short-changing the healing process. Forgiveness is always a part of the healing process when someone is seeking counsel for a hurt or abuse done to them. However, just as forgiveness must be a part of the healing process, it is almost always not the place to start. It has been mentioned previously that for some the thought of forgiving the offender is blasphemous. A wise counselor understands this and is not too hasty in leading his client towards forgiveness. It is the counselor’s job to be wise and understand where their client is in the process. For some people it may take many months before it is wise for the counselor to mention the word forgiveness, for others it is an appropriate topic in the first one or two meetings. Never should a counselor forge his way towards what he knows is a part of the healing process just because it must be covered. It requires wisdom and discernment on the part of the counselor to understand the needs of his client.
Knowing this is important for you. Often, especially when the hurt is deep, wise counsel must be a part of the healing process. It is often impossible to work through the healing process alone. It is important for you to understand this, and to seek wise counsel. You must find a counselor that is both willing to be patient, allowing the process to work, as well as a counselor that is willing to challenge, not allowing you to dwell on the hurt and pain, without confronting the need to forgive.
Reflect on the Joy and Freedom Forgiveness Brings
Psalm 32:1-2 “Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.” There is true joy when the burden of sin- an unforgiving heart- is lifted. David danced and sang joyfully when he experienced that pleasure. You can experience it to, and the thought of that joy can spurn you towards forgiveness. The choice is yours. You can experience the joy David spoke of in Psalm 32:1-2 or you can experience the depression David reflected on just two verses later. Psalm 32:3-4 “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.”
Forgiving someone is a difficult process, yet you can do it…you must do it! If you find yourself asking “How”, I challenge you to find the courage to put into practice these four simple, yet difficult steps. Pray, Reflect on God’s forgiveness towards you, Seek Wise Counsel and reflect on the joy and freedom forgiveness brings. May you find the journey well worth it!



WHEN YOU CAN’T FORGIVE YOURSELF
It is common for someone to enter my office and proclaim “I can’t forgive myself”! Whether it is an extra-marital affair, a heated exchange in which you said something you regret, or a decision you made many years ago which still haunts you today. The statement, “I can’t forgive myself”, is a common one and it is one which must be confronted for healing to take place. In this article, the last in a series on forgiveness, I am going to explore five common reasons which prevent you from being able to experience the forgiveness God desires you to experience.
THE BELIEF YOU MUST SUFFER BEFORE YOU CAN BE FORGIVEN
Satan is a masterful deceiver and he does some of his best work in the area of guilt and un-forgiveness. One way in which he obtains victory in this area is by telling you that you must suffer before forgiveness can be fully extended. This is a great lie from Satan. Logically, it makes since that when we do something horrible, we must suffer in some way before forgiveness can be extended. However, when we come to understand forgiveness from a Biblical perspective, we realize that God extends forgiveness regardless of whether we suffer or not. To not forgive yourself because you feel you have not yet suffered enough cheapens God’s forgiveness. If you find yourself hesitant to accept the forgiveness, grace and mercy available through Christ because you feel you have not yet suffered enough for the offense you committed you must confront this lie from Satan and accept the forgiveness which is available through Christ.
CONTINUING TO MEDDLE IN SIN
Another reason it is difficult to forgive yourself is because you continue to meddle in the sin you so desperately want to be set free from. It may be that you know you should not look at pornography, but you continually return to the computer just as a dog returns to its vomit. You are disgusted by your actions, but you cannot rid yourself of the desire to engage in the sin of your choice. The guilt is overbearing, yet somehow you cannot say “NO”! If this describes your situation I encourage you to seek help from a wise counselor, an older person who can hold you accountable or some other person who you respect. One of my favorite verses in all of scripture is 1 Corinthians 10:13. It states “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” What a wonderful promise.
PRIDE AND ARROGANCE
Another common reason you fail to forgive yourself is because of pride and arrogance. You may simply say, “I don’t need to be forgiven.” This is a difficult place to be because you are riddled with guilt yet you pass it off as anything but your own sin and shortcomings. To be forgiven you must humble yourself to receive forgiveness because seeking forgiveness, by default, admits you did something wrong. Jeremiah 17:9 reminds us that we are capable of all sorts of evil. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Are you unable to rid yourself of guilt and un-forgiveness because pride and arrogance have invaded your heart?
YOU SET YOUR OWN STANDARD OF RIGHTEOUSNESS
Philippians 3:7-9 states “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.” The Bible clearly teaches that it is God we must please. God does not expect us to be perfect; He recognizes our inadequacies due to our sin nature, and He has provided Christ as our Substitute. When you can’t forgive yourself you may be trying to play God by rejecting His law and living according to a law you created. Examine your standard. Are you not able to forgive yourself because you have erected a legalistic, unattainable standard of righteousness even God knows you cannot keep?
YOU HAVE NEVER ACCEPTED CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR

Lastly, if you still find it difficult to forgive yourself it is important that you reflect upon your salvation experience. It may be that you have never truly accepted Christ as your Savior. It is possible that your inability to forgive yourself is due to the fact that you have never accepted the forgiveness available through Christ. Check out John 10:10. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” God clearly does not desire for you to live your life with undue guilt and fear. Have you truly accepted the forgiveness available through Christ? Examine your salvation experience. Maybe you have never accepted Him as your personal Lord and Savior.
As I conclude this series on forgiveness I encourage you to evaluate both your need to extend forgiveness to someone and your need to accept forgiveness. Not understanding God’s Word and His teachings on forgiveness will lead to all sorts of trouble- relational, mental and personal. It is essential to your health that you grasp God’s teaching on forgiveness and seek Him so that you may live at peace with all people as much as it depends on you (Romans 12:18).

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Bare Facts: A Night For Parents


Parents: Have you ever been caught off guard with a question about sex? Do you fear that "one question" that you won't know how to answer...appropriately? Remember, if you don't have these conversations with your child(ren) someone at their school or on television will. This FREE conference will provide you with some sobering facts about the sexual culture our children are growing up in and how to talk with your child(ren) about the onslaught of mis-information that is out there!
Date: March 3, 2012
Time: 7-8:30pm
Where: Church At Sandhurst
Cost: FREE
More Info? Reeves Cannon @ 662-2021, ext. 1

National Sex Ed Standards?